Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Unsolicited Advice

Anna has told me stories about "crazy" people coming up to her in public and commenting on the kids and giving unsolicited advice. I didn't believe it was true because what kind of person would give unsolicited advice to a stranger about their kids?

So, at the super market Sunday, Stella was crying like usual because she's totally nuts. Low and behold, within minutes of being there some woman walked up and was all like "Why is she crying?"

Anna snipped, "because she's crazy". Anna's timing was on par as was the delivery but the woman's english wasn't so good so she totally missed the sarcasm.

Crazy woman would not go away. She just stood there and kept saying, "Why is she crying? I think she's hungry."

Jesuschristgodalmighty, she's only 7 weeks old!?!? Should we ask her? Maybe that would help. "Stella, why are you crying? If you just tell mommy and daddy what's wrong we won't go insane." No luck. I guess our kid is stupid.

I took the high road and told crazy woman to talk to my elbow because the hand just don't understand.

In the meantime Xavier started crying and this scenario repeated itself in the parking lot like three hundred million more times. "Your babies are hungry", "I think your babies need to eat.", "Feed your babies."

OUR BABIES ARE! NOT! HUNGRY!
THEY ARE NEGLECTED BECAUSE WE ARE HORRIBLE PARENTS!!
...OK?


Here's Xavier Crying.


...stick a pacifier in his mouth and he is all good.


Stella is learning to be cute so she can get by in life without using her brain.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Comments are open! No need to register.

Holy crap blog universe....

So, I've been bitchin' like a spoiled private school girl for like ever that no one comments on my blog, even though I can see people reading it from all over the world.

Well, a friend informed me that I had comments blocked to all unregistered users. Sorry internet , I didn't mean to do that.

Comments are now unblocked even if you are anonymous or ugly.
Send me some hate mail.

GEORGE!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Buddha's Birthday, Nanny #2

We had a very busy weekend!

On Saturday we took the kids to my Zen Buddhist Temple (http://www.zenbuddhisttemple.org/) for Buddha’s birthday celebration and "The Peace and Happiness Parade"...is there a better name for a parade then that? I think not. The parade is pretty small but fun and colorful like a box of crayons. We go around the neighborhood playing drums, chanting and yelling "happy birthday" to the onlookers. The community always seems to love the parade and so far no one has egged us.

On Sunday we took Stella and Xavier to the children’s blessing to get blessed by Sunim, the head priest. When older kids are blessed they usually get asked things like “What is peace?” or “What is love?” and it’s a littler more interactive.

Little kids that can’t talk yet get blessed for protection and to live a life of peace, love and happiness for all beings. We tried to get them blessed so that they stop acting psycho.

On the nanny front....
It appears we found a great nanny. We got two referrals from two different friends and we interviewed both. One nanny was the "backup" nanny for a couple we know in the city and the other was a nanny of a friend of a friend whose employer of 12 years is moving back to Ireland (where the band U2 is from).

Both nannies were qualified but we ended up hiring the nanny with the employer that is going back to Ireland. When we told her she got the job it was like a rainbow appeared showing her the way to a pot of gold.

New Nanny's current employer wrote her a two page referral about how much they loved her and wanted to bring her to Ireland but they were concerned she would spend all day drinking Guinness and singing Celtic folk songs and/or doing that line dance kicking crap like in Lord of the Dance.

New Nanny apparently, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, stayed over night on many occasions, drove two kids around between music lessons, dance lessons, soccer practice , gender identity therapy and who knows what else for 12 years...all without cocaine. I won't say what they paid her but it was greater than 499 dollars but less than 501 dollars a week; which I consider really low.

Hopefully, New Nanny works out so I don't have to fire another person. Although, I am past my fear of firing people and could do it all day. Is there a job where you just fire people?

GEORGE!

The sign at the front of the parade. You better spread peace and happiness or else.


Stella and Xavier getting blessed.


All the little Buddha’s that got blessed. Stella and Xavier could sit up by themselves so we had to hold them. I hope they're developmentally on track.


Mommy and the kids.


Dad and the kids. My left eye is swollen from a fight or my contact. I can't remember which it was on this day.


Stella says, "feed me woman!"


Xavier. I forgot to comb his hair for this picture.


Xavier and Stella. Too cute!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Nanny #1

So, our nanny called in sick on her second day.

We get this phone call at 7:00am Tuesday and she's all like," I have a 100...a 100 a...I don't know how to say it in English but it’s over 100 fever and I don't think I should be around the kids. I'll work Friday to make up for it.”

Argh..if we are going to pay someone to raise our children so we don't have to, they need to be reliable.

This was on top of her not being able to make our first meeting because her car broke down on the highway. The car breaking down excuse was a red flag but we let it slide. How often do cars just "break down" nowadays?...especially in the summer. Why aren't people more creative,"Hey, like I'm getting an abortion this morning so I'll have to come a few hours late. Do you have plastic covers for the furniture?"

She was supposed to work Thursday but I left "bad nanny" a message that we were reconsidering using her and not to come. We actually already decided to kick her to the curb but I didn't want to leave that in a vmail.

The way I see this playing out is I'll call her to come over. I'll sit behind my desk and lodge questions and insults at her one after another until she sees the situation as hopeless. Then, I'll pronounce, "YOU'RE FIRED". ..and do this snake thing with my hand like Donald Trump does. The meeting will finish off with me shouting "Now get out of here!"

Anna says that would be mean but I need to yell,"You're Fired!" at one person in my life and this might be the only opportunity I get.

The other option is to pull a lever and have her fall through a trap door but I'd have to build a trap door and what would I do with the body?

We do have some options.

Our cleaning person is interested so we may hire our cleaning person to be the nanny and then ask the current nanny to be the cleaning person. If you are not from a big city that last sentence sounds totally retarded.

George

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day!

It was Anna's first mother’s day Sunday and she should win the national mother's day award for best mother that ever existed.

You might think you have the best mother but you don't.
Can your mother double breastfeed? The only mother that could beat that would be a mother of triplets that could triple breastfeed. That mother would have three breasts and would be a freak of nature and it sickens me just to think about it.

Anna is managing three days home alone with two newborns. She has help from our nanny part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Three days a week alone is just crazy and she's able to do it. Unfortunately, Stella and Xavier are still going through their colic/psycho phase. If there's a TV show that needs two babies to play the part of newborns that are possessed by aliens from another universe that communicate by screaming at each other, well these are your kids.

Taking long walks in the stroller is the only thing that calms them down so Anna has been going on a lot of long walks lately. The other day she walked to Ohio.

Our nanny, Kasia, will start full time in June. Anna and Kasia gossip in Polish a lot so I don't know what they are saying. Sometimes they giggle like little school girls. I think they're talking about me. They could make fun of me in English. That's what everyone else does.



Happy Mother's Day to the #1 Mom!

George

Monday, May 5, 2008

1 Month!

Wow, another week as gone by. Stella and Xavier were one month old last Thursday May 1st! That makes them over 4 weeks old.

The kids have started this new thing where they scream and cry like crazy between 6:00pm and 12:00pm. Apparently this is normal and everyone and their mom (har har) has some opinion about what will shut them up. Nothing really works. You're not supposed to leave them in a room and close the door. That is what Anna's says. Its child abuse or something.

I was desperate and bought this $200 newborn soother from Graco at Target. It's a big contraption that has a "womb" sound and rocks the baby back and forth and goes up to 7 speeds. You can also hookup your ipod and play death metal.

Stella hated it but when we put Xavier in he shut-up in like 2 seconds. That lasted one day. After that he caught on that a real person wasn't rocking him. Oh, he's smart. We went from the 1st speed, to the second...he cried a little more, so we raised it to 3, then 4, 5, 6 and all the way to 7. If it went any faster I would have just put him in a mixing bowl and turned it on. Are you making cookies?...no, it's our baby...he's crying.

We did learn that carrying them for 6 hours works. They get strapped into a harness or sash thingy and are permanently attached to us. Anna peed once while wearing Stella. You develop special skills.

Eating is difficult with a baby strapped on because you can't push yourself up to the table. I never would have thought it would be so hard to put food on a fork and carry it two feet to my mouth. I keep dropping food on Xavier's head. By the time I'm done eating he's a casserole with a side of peas.

-George



Xavier just chillin' in the robot mommy before he figured out it wasn't a real person.




Xavier hangin' out in a cute outfit.




Anna holding Stella.




Stella...pretty in pink.