There are razor blades in my candy

My favorite religious holiday happened this past Saturday….HALLOWEEN! It’s the one holiday that hasn’t been taken over by marketing. Halloween has stuck to its core principles of worshiping the dead, decaying bodies and getting candy from strangers.

Before the Halloween celebrations kicked off, Anna and I took the kids to get vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, i.e., the swine flu. Our pediatrician ran out of the vaccine a week earlier so we went to one of the clinics setup in the city.

The doors opened at 9:00am and we got there at 8:00am. Everyone had to stand in line to get a number. This is probably how people bought bread in communist Poland. Once you got a number you were either guaranteed a vaccination or sent to a labor camp.

We were given numbers 961, 962 and 963. Anna was already vaccinated at work so she didn’t get a number. Yes, that‘s what I said, 961, 962 and 963. That means if you start counting from “1”, 960 people would be in front of us. The wait was about three hours. That means if you were to use a timer, 2 hours , 59 minutes and 59 seconds would pass before it was our turn. That means if you were to…ok, I’ll stop.

We left and went home for a few hours so the kids could run around and eat. When we returned, there was a long line; a very long line. If the line was a rope it would wrap around the earth 5 times and choke everyone.

Anna asked one of the helpers what number they were on. The guy was all like, “Did you leave? Did you leave? You need to get to the back of the line!” There was some exchange of words between this man and Anna that I tuned out but I’m sure it included one of them telling the other to talk to the hand.

Eventually a lady snuck up behind this man and whispered something in his ear while pointing at Anna. He looked back at Anna, looked down at her belly and was all, “Oh! You’re pregnant. Go right to the front”

We skipped the entire line and were vaccinated in 15 minutes. We never mentioned that Anna was already vaccinated until we got to the nurse.

Today we learned a valuable lesson. Pregnant women get whatever they want. It is the ultimate of all trump cards.

Do you want to be first on the bus? Get pregnant. Do you want to use the restroom without standing in line? Get pregnant. Do you want to win the lottery? Get pregnant.

There is nothing you can’t do if you get pregnant. Girls as young as 12 should get pregnant; RIGHT NOW. You could be president of the United States... or president of whore world.

Stella is Pooh Bear dressed as a bumble bee (I don't understand that at all) and Xavier is a puppy.

This is the most vicious puppy in the world. He bit me.

There should be a musical called "Puppies" and it will be a bunch of toddlers dressed in this costume running around on stage. There might be music but it won't be any good.

I'd like to point out, Stella's costume was a little big.

The ears are not functional.

Stella stung her brother after this picture was taken. The costume came with a real bee stinger.

Lala is Polish for "doll".


Kerry Lynn said…
I was thinking I would put a pillow in my shirt so I can enjoy the perks of being pregnant without the need to pee every 10 minutes.
Kate said…
I did not know it was possible for anything or anyone to be that cute. Seriously.
Michelle Cooper said…
Which costume yielded more candy?? Both are pretty adorable...

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