Nanny #1

So, our nanny called in sick on her second day.

We get this phone call at 7:00am Tuesday and she's all like," I have a 100...a 100 a...I don't know how to say it in English but it’s over 100 fever and I don't think I should be around the kids. I'll work Friday to make up for it.”

Argh..if we are going to pay someone to raise our children so we don't have to, they need to be reliable.

This was on top of her not being able to make our first meeting because her car broke down on the highway. The car breaking down excuse was a red flag but we let it slide. How often do cars just "break down" nowadays?...especially in the summer. Why aren't people more creative,"Hey, like I'm getting an abortion this morning so I'll have to come a few hours late. Do you have plastic covers for the furniture?"

She was supposed to work Thursday but I left "bad nanny" a message that we were reconsidering using her and not to come. We actually already decided to kick her to the curb but I didn't want to leave that in a vmail.

The way I see this playing out is I'll call her to come over. I'll sit behind my desk and lodge questions and insults at her one after another until she sees the situation as hopeless. Then, I'll pronounce, "YOU'RE FIRED". ..and do this snake thing with my hand like Donald Trump does. The meeting will finish off with me shouting "Now get out of here!"

Anna says that would be mean but I need to yell,"You're Fired!" at one person in my life and this might be the only opportunity I get.

The other option is to pull a lever and have her fall through a trap door but I'd have to build a trap door and what would I do with the body?

We do have some options.

Our cleaning person is interested so we may hire our cleaning person to be the nanny and then ask the current nanny to be the cleaning person. If you are not from a big city that last sentence sounds totally retarded.

George

Mother's Day!

It was Anna's first mother’s day Sunday and she should win the national mother's day award for best mother that ever existed.

You might think you have the best mother but you don't.
Can your mother double breastfeed? The only mother that could beat that would be a mother of triplets that could triple breastfeed. That mother would have three breasts and would be a freak of nature and it sickens me just to think about it.

Anna is managing three days home alone with two newborns. She has help from our nanny part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Three days a week alone is just crazy and she's able to do it. Unfortunately, Stella and Xavier are still going through their colic/psycho phase. If there's a TV show that needs two babies to play the part of newborns that are possessed by aliens from another universe that communicate by screaming at each other, well these are your kids.

Taking long walks in the stroller is the only thing that calms them down so Anna has been going on a lot of long walks lately. The other day she walked to Ohio.

Our nanny, Kasia, will start full time in June. Anna and Kasia gossip in Polish a lot so I don't know what they are saying. Sometimes they giggle like little school girls. I think they're talking about me. They could make fun of me in English. That's what everyone else does.



Happy Mother's Day to the #1 Mom!

George

1 Month!

Wow, another week as gone by. Stella and Xavier were one month old last Thursday May 1st! That makes them over 4 weeks old.

The kids have started this new thing where they scream and cry like crazy between 6:00pm and 12:00pm. Apparently this is normal and everyone and their mom (har har) has some opinion about what will shut them up. Nothing really works. You're not supposed to leave them in a room and close the door. That is what Anna's says. Its child abuse or something.

I was desperate and bought this $200 newborn soother from Graco at Target. It's a big contraption that has a "womb" sound and rocks the baby back and forth and goes up to 7 speeds. You can also hookup your ipod and play death metal.

Stella hated it but when we put Xavier in he shut-up in like 2 seconds. That lasted one day. After that he caught on that a real person wasn't rocking him. Oh, he's smart. We went from the 1st speed, to the second...he cried a little more, so we raised it to 3, then 4, 5, 6 and all the way to 7. If it went any faster I would have just put him in a mixing bowl and turned it on. Are you making cookies?...no, it's our baby...he's crying.

We did learn that carrying them for 6 hours works. They get strapped into a harness or sash thingy and are permanently attached to us. Anna peed once while wearing Stella. You develop special skills.

Eating is difficult with a baby strapped on because you can't push yourself up to the table. I never would have thought it would be so hard to put food on a fork and carry it two feet to my mouth. I keep dropping food on Xavier's head. By the time I'm done eating he's a casserole with a side of peas.

-George

Xavier just chillin' in the robot mommy before he figured out it wasn't a real person.

Xavier hangin' out in a cute outfit.

Anna holding Stella.

Stella...pretty in pink.

The Second Bath!

Clearly I’ve lost any ability come up with interesting topics since I’m choosing the second bath as some grand affair to write about.

The kids loved their second bath just as much as they liked the first; not at all. Maybe if they learn to stop puking up every two minutes we wouldn’t have to bath them….ever.

Cousin Alexis /Aunt Keebs bought some really cute baby bathrobes. I think they are supposed to be turtles. Hell, I really don’t know what they are but the kids look so cute in them!

Xavier...Splish!

Stella!

I’d like to point out that Xavier wearing the blue bathrobe and Stella wearing the pink one has nothing to do with their gender. Whatever piece of clothing is closest gets put on.

Xavier has had the unfortunate luck of wearing a bib that says, “Daddy’s little Girl” or another one with a pink flower that says, “Pretty” many times. He pulls it off well so no one is complaining. And no, this will not give him gender identity issues in the future. Even if it does, surgery is always an option

-George.

Tummy Time!

So Xavier and Stella have started to get a little tummy time each day. They've each put on some weight so they need more exercise.

Anna's friend who is a pediatrician resident got us a cool tummy time toy. The baby gets laid down on his/her tummy and tries to lift there head and crawl.

Let's review what happened.

Stella, did well. You can see her lifting her and and squirming along.

Way to go Stella. Truly a natural.

Now we have Xavier. Oh boy. What's going on here?

Did you fall asleep?

Come on little buddy, lift up your head!


Geez, that was hard.

Hmm, Xavier didn't do so well. Can we upgrade him to a different model?

-George

All Night Feedings

Conversation between Anna and I at 5:00am this morning

George: Are you feeding Xavier

Anna: Yeah

George: When did he get up? I didn’t hear you get him.

Anna: I don’t know.

George: Wait, Xavier is still in his bed. Are you feeding Stella?

Anna: Yeah, Stella

George: Wait, Stella is still in her bed. Who are you feeding?

Anna: Oh, I guess no one. My breasts hurt so much I feel like I’m always feeding.

One Week Old

The kids were a week old on Thursday! No one died and Anna and I did not go insane.

I know this blog is lacking in it's witty banter that I'm so good at but I'm a little busy people. So for now, you'll have to be satisfied with pictures. Please don't sell these pictures to a child modeling agency. Only Anna and I are allowed to profit off our children.

Xavier after his first bath. He loves baths. Doesn't it show on his face?

Stella and Mommy

Stella posing for the camera.