The bat mobile lost a wheel and robin laid an egg

Each year we photograph the kids in fancy clothes for a holiday card to send out to family and friends. We do this to compete with other adults for the “best picture that pretends to have the perfect family” award. Without a doubt, we win every year. All the other cards we get from family and friends have such weird looking kids. I barf on them.

Don’t worry though. I have a backup plan. If someone does send us a holiday card with a bunch of cute kids I’m going to send one right back with a picture of all us in front of a big pile of cash. Look at us bitches; we’ve got a pile of cash!

No one cooperated with the photo shoot this year. When I mean “no one” I mean Stella and Xavier. They are spoiled rotten tomatoes. They refuse to go without food for a few days to keep from looking bloated in the pictures. For myself, I pop a bunch of ADD meds days before my photo shoots to shed those extra pounds. It works , and sometimes I almost die, but my pictures look great.

I even threatened the kids with the tried and true “Santa will not bring you any presents and Jesus will send you to hell to burn for eternity”. It still didn’t work. No one is afraid of old people or hell anymore. I blame the Internet and Hanna Montana. Did you know that Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus is the same person? I didn’t know this until last week.

I have an idea for a business. This probably makes my ninetieth idea for a business but since they are all awesome I will give you another one. Parents send in pictures of their kids that they like and we digitally mix and match backgrounds, headshots, bodies and clothes until we get the perfect holiday card photo. If your kid is weird looking we can substitute it with a different kid.

Anna would not let me use any of these pictures for the holiday card.

What do you think? Vote for the best one. I think they’re all awesome. I didn’t post the nudes of me because the server would crash with all the people trying to view them.

If you are wondering, Xavier has a cranberry in his mouth...or ADD meds. I can't remember.


Rachel said…
I like pic 3... I think Stella learned that move watching UFC.
Kerry Lynn said…
you're just jealous cause my family is so much more perfect than yours.

on a serious note (I feel really stupid being serious here), I love that green ball and may try something like that.

I did my THIRD attempt at photos of the kids today for the card. I'm a pro and still can't get good pictures of my own kids.
Anonymous said…
#4 for sure! xavier yelling for his "mama" and stella dancing to music in her it! classic X&S!
p.s. your last few posts have been absolutely hilarious! thanks for the laughs!

ciocia D

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