I'm going to die from lack of energy or some disease.

The Nanny went on vacation this week so I'm home with the kids. It's just like that movie Mr. Mom (from the 1980s). The house is a disaster and I've invited over all the other stay-at-home moms for Jazzersize classes.

At the moment I don't have that many Christmas pictures but here's a few so you don't kill yourself. When I have the energy I'll post more.


Stella is choking Elmo because he keeps saying the same 4 things over and over.


Stella is wasted.


Xavier acting like he's not going to climb on the chairs.


Elmo is in the background getting ready to attack a child.


That dress Stella is wearing is one of 15 dresses she got as a gift from someone's mom and or moms.

Why don't hunters shoot Rudolf if he's so easy to see?

We’ve been in our new house for only a few weeks but we’ve already plowed through so many projects.

If we were a snow plow and there was a lot of snow on the streets we would have plowed all the snow and then if it snowed more we would have plowed that snow and then if it snowed again we would have plowed that snow. That is a lot of snow and I don’t mean cocaine.

The basement floor has been ripped out and a new sewer pipe thing-a-ma-jig was installed along with new copper water lines and a drainage system. We did not find any bodies.

Somehow the plumber hooked up the new sewer line without telling us to stop flushing the toilets when the pipe was disconnected. I bet he caught all the poo in a bucket or his hands.

Anyhooooo, we’ve got to get this bitch done before the baby pops out of Anna in February. When relatives visit we don’t like them walking around the house dirtying things up or making it smell bad so we keep them in the basement. If you don’t like that you can complain to customer service at: 1-800-MY-BUTT-HOLE. Yes, I'm two years old.

I know turning a basement into a living space is so exciting so I’m going to tell you more. We’re adding another bathroom and a bedroom plus a play area. I don’t know what it is but I can’t stand having unusable areas of a house.

It’s like why would you live in a house for years and leave a complete section unusable? It reminds me of women that wear boxer shorts with the fly flap opening before having a sex change operation to attach a penis. It makes no sense, no sense at all. I should sue those people.

Ok, I need to go because we are hosting Christmas for the first time in the universe and I need to get the house ready. Let me explain for people that are new. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Santa Clause. It is celebrated by buying things for people that they will return to the store using a gift receipt.

Santa will not bring poor kids anything because he hates orphans but one orphan girl will try to sell matches to make money for toys but instead, she uses them all up trying to stay warm. She meets a little drummer boy and gets pregnant with Jesus. They were only hugging.

Here is a picture of baby number three. This picture is from inside the uterus. Early on, babies are black and white. They get color after they are born.

The bat mobile lost a wheel and robin laid an egg

Each year we photograph the kids in fancy clothes for a holiday card to send out to family and friends. We do this to compete with other adults for the “best picture that pretends to have the perfect family” award. Without a doubt, we win every year. All the other cards we get from family and friends have such weird looking kids. I barf on them.

Don’t worry though. I have a backup plan. If someone does send us a holiday card with a bunch of cute kids I’m going to send one right back with a picture of all us in front of a big pile of cash. Look at us bitches; we’ve got a pile of cash!

…..
No one cooperated with the photo shoot this year. When I mean “no one” I mean Stella and Xavier. They are spoiled rotten tomatoes. They refuse to go without food for a few days to keep from looking bloated in the pictures. For myself, I pop a bunch of ADD meds days before my photo shoots to shed those extra pounds. It works , and sometimes I almost die, but my pictures look great.

I even threatened the kids with the tried and true “Santa will not bring you any presents and Jesus will send you to hell to burn for eternity”. It still didn’t work. No one is afraid of old people or hell anymore. I blame the Internet and Hanna Montana. Did you know that Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus is the same person? I didn’t know this until last week.

I have an idea for a business. This probably makes my ninetieth idea for a business but since they are all awesome I will give you another one. Parents send in pictures of their kids that they like and we digitally mix and match backgrounds, headshots, bodies and clothes until we get the perfect holiday card photo. If your kid is weird looking we can substitute it with a different kid.
…..

Anna would not let me use any of these pictures for the holiday card.

What do you think? Vote for the best one. I think they’re all awesome. I didn’t post the nudes of me because the server would crash with all the people trying to view them.






If you are wondering, Xavier has a cranberry in his mouth...or ADD meds. I can't remember.