I'm so Olive Oil

I’m writing about me today because quite frankly, I’m the most interesting person on the internet.

Last week I started taking adult Greek language and culture classes at the same Greek Church I honk at while driving home wasted. My plan is to re-Greek-ify myself and pass something along to my kids besides my good looks and hairy back.

The kids know a lot of Polish from Anna and the nanny which is fantastic so why not cram another language into their heads? I’m probably a little stricter about this than Anna. I want them to respond in Polish if they’re being spoken to in Polish even though I have no idea what they’re supposed to say. Hell, I don’t even care if they say, “go suck it dad” as long as it’s not in English. English is so stupid. I hate people that speak English.

Thank your lucky dragons I’m not Chinese and don’t have to take “how to drive badly” classes or advanced calculus

The church offers four levels; beginner, intermediate, advanced and advanced level II. I’m in the beginner class of course because somewhere in my childhood the ball was seriously dropped, down an alley, and it was run over by a car.

Anyhoooooo, my long term plan is to keep going to these classes so when I send my kids to Greek dance lessons people will think I go to church because they would have seen my face around. God knows I don’t actually go to church. Ha, ha, get it? God knows I don’t go to church. I kill myself. I have a whole list of good ideas if you ever need any.

The class has about 15 people in it, an equal mix of men and women, and mostly about my age expect for one guy who is Dutch. He’s in his 60s, loves languages and is missing part of his right ear. Really, he is. It looks like someone cut it off with scissors. I hold my hand up in front of my face when talking to him so I don’ have to look at it.

We went around the class and introduced ourselves. The story was the same for everyone; “My parents didn’t speak Greek at home / I dropped out of Greek school / My dad threw me up in the air for good luck and didn’t catch me on the way down”.

The guy to my left spoke with a very prominent Greek accent. Hmmm…when it came time to read from the book he could read and understand everything. He got yanked and put him in the advanced class. The website really needs to be updated with an asterisk next to the beginner class, “If you have a Greek accent you most likely are not a beginner”.

Our first exercise was to spell our name in Greek. I got it wrong. What the hell happened when I was growing up? Did the ship sail here and sink?

The catch phrase I use in class (I have catch phrases for this blog and then ones for real life to instill hilarity into my everyday life) is “I’m a disgrace to my heritage”. I used it often on the first day. When class was over I drove home. I can’t come up with a better segue into the paragraph below.

Things got really interesting a few days later. Not really. I’m writing about it because it makes me look cool.

I’m out with my friend getting dinner at some random cafe downtown and there’s Greek music on the stereo; Zorba the Greek to be exact…how cliche’ When we’re done eating the owner comes over and asked us how our meal was.

I ask her if she’s Greek. She says yes and asks if I speak Greek in Greek and I answer I don’t understand Greek in Greek but then I tell her I’m taking Greek classes and we did the “do you know this family” game and then we got free Baklava! Ok, not that exciting but come on.

If I get better at this I could get cash. You too can make millions.


Kerry Lynn said…
dude, stick to stories of the kids.

An Urban Story said…
Kerry Lynn, my kids are .05% cuter than your kids so there! :-) Also, I am rubber you are glue whatever you throw at me bounces off me and then it sticks to you because you are glue and yes even a bowling ball will stick or whatever if that is what you were thinking.

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