Playboy is not the only place to find pictures

A few weeks back Stella and Xavier’s nursery school had family pictures taken for the school directory. Each family got a free 8x10 glossy with the option of buying more.

There were two photographers. One reeked like cigarette smoke and the other reeked like molested children and cigarette smoke. At one point in their lives these guys dreamed of taking pictures for Rolling Stone magazine, riding in the tour bus of some famous band, smoking weed and getting herpes.

Those tour buses have hot tubs. I would not have a hot tub in my tour bus. I would have a sauna. The entire bus would be a sauna, except for the driver’s seat. I hate the driver. He keeps trying to get dirt on me and sell it to the tabloids. I will not let him destroy all that I’ve worked for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a reason this picture was free.


In family pictures dad is always in the middle and taller than the rest of the family. That’s because dad is the leader like the lion.

Everyone except Anna forgot how a camera worked and looked to the left. My chest hair is sticking out. That’s the style nowadays. I should sell it to make wigs for cancer patients. Oh, and just to top things off, a nice dark background of storm clouds. All of our children are very happy.




Something looks a little off here. I’m surprise because laying three kids on a black piece of fake fur, in front of a blue/black screen from my early 1990’s high school senior picture with a light blue stuffed bear sticking out the middle usually ends up looking pretty good. The cuteness of our kids though, does raise the bar for family photos.

Most other families need to get their kids some plastic surgery. It's not like me to criticize or be judgmental but without surgery certain kids will never succeed in life. I'm not suggesting anything radical. Maybe just tweak the nose or make your kid's eyes a little bigger. If you want, send me pictures of your children and I will offer suggestions.

My kids are fortunate though. Everyday I tell them, “Because you are cute you don’t have to work as hard as regular people. People will just give you things. Make sure you save enough of the stuff people give you so when you get old and ugly you can still survive.”

I’m such a good dad. I need to get a pin that says, “#1 Dad” or “Number 1 Dad” in case I go to England and people think I’m saying I’m a “one pound” dad. Hmm, wait, they use the Euro now. I’m going with “#1 Dad”.

Comments

Amber said…
I can see if you keep up this trend you will be headed for Awkward Family Photos in the future. Also, you guys have a lot of kids. A lot. Just in case you didn't know, I thought I would throw that out there.
An Urban Story said…
Ha! AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com is hilarious!
Kerry Lynn said…
seriously a funny website.

Being a professional photographer who chooses not to use the backgrounds from my 1990 senior pictures it's hard to criticize the pictures since the kids are so cute.
An Urban Story said…
Kerry Lynn, I was thinking about what you would think being a possessional photographer seeing this type of old style still around. It does make for funny memories.
An Urban Story said…
Kerry Lynn, I was thinking about what you would think being a possessional photographer seeing this type of old style still around. It does make for funny memories.