All I want for X-Mas is dollar store crap

During the holiday season the twins get sent home from nursery school with many different solicitations for us to buy stuff so that the proceeds can go to funding the school or heaven; it is a Lutheran nursery school because we believe in the civil rights movement.

In the latest fundraiser, the school set up a room so the kids could “shop” for Christmas presents for their family. They were sent home with an envelope where we could write on it who should get gifts and for how much money. I threw a twenty into the envelope and wrote “whatever” on it.

When I picked up the kids from school they were so excited to tell me about the presents they bought us. As I suspected, they had no idea they were to wait until Christmas before giving them to us. Upon getting home, they ripped them open immediately. It happened so fast. I  looked away just  for a second to ignore them when they were annoying me.
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This is what we got from Stella and Xavier.

A snake. I don't even know what is wrong with our children.

A princess crown tac board. It's s a Christmas miracle! The little match girl won't have to freeze to death this year. I mean seriously, how dumb do you have to be to keep lighting matches to stay warm instead of burning some old newspapers in a garbage can?
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Their sister "Fifi" got a bear. This is actually the only gift that makes any sense.

Later we got a picture taken with Santa. The kids wanted to be in the picture too. Santa started hitting on me and told Anna,"Your husband looks like a little George Clooney". Then he put his arm around me when he could have very well kept it in his lap. Ho, ho, ho bag. I can't go anywhere without old men throwing themselves at me. It's like I'm a train track surrounded by suicidal people.

The kids have been practicing a song for their Greek school performance. Yep, that boy up front is our son. You wouldn't believe it from this video but he hates being on stage. This behavior was inherited half from me and half from my father-in-law. Stella on the other hand, LOVES being on stage. She thinks it's the best thing since people stopped doing the Macarena.   "Right arm out, palm down, Left arm out, palm down." STUPID!

Kids think their parents are servants and stupid

Stella has been going f-ing crazy train lately with her relentless attachment to Anna. We’re about ready to put a bow on her head and send her off as the fifth present of Hanukkah.

At first it was cute. She wanted to blow dry her hair in the morning with Anna, maybe put on make-up, perhaps a matching dress and heals. Nothing too bad.

Now, she won’t do anything without Anna. She also throws these huge tantrums when Anna leaves for work.

She doesn’t do this with me. I make sure she stays an arms length away at all times and if she tries to hug me I tell her I’m allergic to children and leprosy.

Her bedtime routine is tediously because she’ll demand Anna put her to bed but won’t let her leave without screaming and crying. I have to go in there and I tell her to lie down, “Momma will be back soon.”

Finally, I’ll convince her to lie down and then I leave. I have no intentions of getting Anna because I am a horrible father like Mommy Dearest is a horrible mother that had drug fueled lesbian affairs. We all know it happens.

Eventually she’ll fall asleep. I have to do this every night. Stella is probably not the brightest light bulb on the Christmas tree since she believes me.

Here’s the kicker. If Anna is at work late and I have to put her to bed she’ll go right to bed.

Last night I found her wondering the hallway at maybe 1:00am like some drunken 1950s father coming home from a night out with the boys.

“Stella, what’s wrong”
“I want Momma”
“Ok, let’s get back in bed.”
“No! Momma”
“You need to go to bed”
“No! I want Momma”

Argh!!! Anna finally had to come to her room and calm her down.
The entire situation is so tiring.

I tried to use a histogram to explain to Stella that the more she acts like this, the more we want to stay away from her. It didn’t work at all so now I’m out of ideas.