The Tree, Santa, Shoes...it's all a big crazy train.

The Christmas tree is up like an erection and we started threatening the children to be good or Santa would beat them. I’m not a big fan of the whole Santa Clause thing; a drunk, naked man coming down the chimney, leaving presents for little orphan Annie.

This intrinsically perpetuates our infatuation with the dichotomy of lying to our bewildered children offspring. Just kidding, little orphan Annie didn’t get any presents from Santa because she didn’t have any parents. They were dead. The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.

Let’s jump to my dream sequence of what could have been. We’re in kindergarten, some kid is like “Santa brought me presents” my kids make fun of them and are like, “Santa isn’t real and on top of that the penis goes into the vagina to make babies unless you have to pay a woman in Indian to be a surrogate”.

A few days ago it was Saint Nicolas day. The Polish tradition has the kids leaving their shoes out at night and waking up to a little gift placed inside them the next morning. We screwed up this year and had too many gifts. Anna’s mom sent the kids stuff, we got them stuff and then the Nanny that bitch forgot so she got them stuff a day later.

We totally couldn’t shove all the toys into their little shoes so each morning over the next three days they got presents like Jewish people. Now the kids think that every morning there is going to be something under the tree.

Yes, I suppose we created this nightmare before Christmas.

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