Hope you had a happy whatever you celebrate.

We stayed in our home country this year to celebrate Christmas.

Christmas is the time of year when people buy a bunch of random crap for other people to celebrate something. Does anyone notice how the liberal, homosexual media writes about the same stupid, meaningless stories every single year?

“Black Friday crowds will be big” or “where to get the best deals on black Friday” or the newest one, “more people each year are buying online for the holidays. It’s called cyber Monday”. No genius, “you” named it Cyber Monday so you could label it for your storey. No one calls it cyber Monday. Most of the crowds aren’t even black they’re white people and in our area Indian.

Let me let all of my readers that haven’t earned me one advertising dollar in on a little secret. If you are going to go shopping at a store (not online) the best deals are days before Christmas when the stores are trying to get rid of the holiday inventory.

Anna’s immediate family plus her Uncle and cousin were in town from Canada for the holidays. Canada is the country to the north of the United States; the one where we are not trying to build a big wall so that illegal immigrants can just go under it, over it, or sneak through the boarding in semi-trucks funneling yet more money to the drug cartels.

Essentially, the weekend was one long never-ending meal. We had Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Day Brunch, Christmas day dinner and post Christmas Day (aka Boxing Day) Brunch. When it was all over I got a colonic.

Each meal went like this, put down table clothe, put down napkins, then the table center piece, dinner plates, salad plates, soup bowls, soup spoons, dinner forks, knives, teaspoons, dessert forks, wine glasses, water glasses and finally we brought out the main entre. We are very high society so everything was executed ala proper British etiquette. If we had a butler I would have bitch slapped him with a white glove.

Once the main meal was finished, the dishes were cleared and we brought out dessert plates and mugs for tea and coffee. Everyone finished dessert; the dishes got cleared again and everything got washed. The table was reset and in a few hours we started another meal.

Without a doubt, the poor and underserved population could have eaten for months on just the food we threw away. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we could have done about that except pray that next year things turn around for them.

Aunt Duda took these pictures since the rest of us are too lazy to bother.

We were packed to capacity.


Polish people (hence Anna's family) open gifts on Christmas eve. The kids think Santa Clause comes during dinner.


The kids got just the right amount if gifts. NOTHING!


It was Anna's cousin's birthday so we also had cake!


'Fifi' is our cutest kid and our favorite. You can have a favorite kid. In our case it is the one that goes to bed without putting up a fight, doesn't throw tantrums and can't walk.


You can get by on your looks.


Aunt Duda and fiance Nathan


Xavier giving me a kiss with a bear in the way.


Yeh, Nathan made me this snow man or sex toy.


We went downtown Xmas day....


...to a bar because Anna's family is from Poland and they told me it is tradition to do that.

Old people tell stories like this but it's about them.

Yesterday while I was waiting for Anna to get home from work, Stella decided to stand in the middle of the kitchen and pass her bowels.

It all started when I noticed her gripping the side of the oven and straining. I told her we needed to go to the toilet (she is in the beginning phases of potty training and was not wearing a diaper.). She adamantly refused, opting for the homeless person method.

Stella can go days without pooing; 4 days is her world record. She also talks about becoming a ballerina so I guess not pooing will come in handy when she has an eating disorder.

After much effort she finished, and Praise the Holy Father Lord, Anna came home.

While Anna was changing her I ran into the bathroom with Stella’s disgusting underwear and threw the poo into the toilet and flushed it.

Nothing happened.

Her giant poo got stuck in the opening of the toilet drain.

I watched the water rise up little by little until it stopped at the very edge of the toilet bowl. I’m sure obese people are used to this happening but I’m not. How can a 2.5 year old clog up a toilet?

I got the plunger, plunged the toilet and the water finally drained.
Without a doubt this was the worst experience of my entire life for that hour.

But, I decided to turn the beat around and come up with a new invention; “The Toilet Disposal”. It works just like a disposal for the kitchen sink except for the toilet. If I had one of these yesterday a lot of lives could have been saved.

Do you see how I turned a traumatic life experience into lemonade? That’s what homeless people need to do. This holiday, if you find yourself homeless, living in a box, think “outside the box.” That box you’re sleeping in could be used as a “rickshaw” sled to pull people around town for money.

Here she is in action.

If You give me one of these gifts I will kill you

Since it’s the gift giving season, I decided to do you all a favor and list the worst gifts ever. Thank me later with cash.

When I say “worst gifts ever” I don’t mean wrapping up dog poo and sticking it in the mail box of some kid who lived down the street from you during high school.

These are gifts that say, “I was obligated to buy you something and gave up trying.”

Scented Candles


Oh hurray. Finally, the scented candle I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

This is such a filler gift it practically insults someone for breathing. “I don’t have time for you. Here’s a candle. It was the closest thing to the cash register”.

Bath and Body Wash Crap


Someone decided to buy salt from the salt market, spray it with perfume, put it in a little bag and call it “scented bath salts”, then charge $50 for it.. To sweeten the deal, they threw in some soap and a sponge.

Wow, stop the presses, not soap and a sponge. Those aren’t two things we see very often. On top of that the whole setup comes in a basket. Great gift, you get an A+++. Here mom, a basket with soap, a sponge and salt. Wasn’t I worth it?

Our first nanny actually did buy me Old Spice body wash for Christmas one year.

Given a choice between an overpriced body wash that is no better than a cheap body wash, Nanny #1 made the smarter choice before getting deported. We miss you!...kind of.

Picture Frames

I’m not completely against picture frames since the glass can be used to do cocaine.

Tea and Coffee

F-ing moronic. Oh yeah, tea. You just bought someone groceries and are expecting them to be excited about it. What’s the difference between this and wrapping up a box of cereal? Nothing!



Coming soon….”Christmas tree ornaments do not count as presents. “

The Tree, Santa, Shoes...it's all a big crazy train.

The Christmas tree is up like an erection and we started threatening the children to be good or Santa would beat them. I’m not a big fan of the whole Santa Clause thing; a drunk, naked man coming down the chimney, leaving presents for little orphan Annie.

This intrinsically perpetuates our infatuation with the dichotomy of lying to our bewildered children offspring. Just kidding, little orphan Annie didn’t get any presents from Santa because she didn’t have any parents. They were dead. The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.

Let’s jump to my dream sequence of what could have been. We’re in kindergarten, some kid is like “Santa brought me presents” my kids make fun of them and are like, “Santa isn’t real and on top of that the penis goes into the vagina to make babies unless you have to pay a woman in Indian to be a surrogate”.

A few days ago it was Saint Nicolas day. The Polish tradition has the kids leaving their shoes out at night and waking up to a little gift placed inside them the next morning. We screwed up this year and had too many gifts. Anna’s mom sent the kids stuff, we got them stuff and then the Nanny that bitch forgot so she got them stuff a day later.

We totally couldn’t shove all the toys into their little shoes so each morning over the next three days they got presents like Jewish people. Now the kids think that every morning there is going to be something under the tree.

Yes, I suppose we created this nightmare before Christmas.