I love Princeses like I love Stuff

An entire week has past since the twins turned three. They got piles and piles of worthless crap; enough to build Plastic World, “the world of the future”. Everyone dies from BPA exposure.

At the moment all this stuff just sits around our house, un-used, like a 70’s porno. Their favorite toy is “going outside to play”. Barf.

From now on, all birthdays are canceled.

Stella does, however, have one new toy she can’t part with; a purple fairy doll the nanny got her. Her brother named her “Benny”. She likes to take “Benny” into the bathtub, fill a bucket with water, and then dunk her head in. "Benny" swears she doesn't know where Osama Bin Laden is.


Besides “Benny” the only other gift the twins pay any attention to is a book about princesses my mom got them. The book has become the go-to bedtime “story”, if you can call a ten page Disney commercial a story

Each night we read about princesses. Princesses have hard lives. They walk around the castle all day complaining and being beautiful. Then their naughty parts grow hair, at which time they seek out a man to take care of them.

Editors Note: Mulan is in the book but she does not
make the cover because Disney hates Chinese people.


Eventually princesses become total bitches and make their man buy them stuff like cars and diamonds and big houses to throw four day cocaine benders…for crying out loud GET A JOB.

Because having a one page overview of each princess isn’t enough, the last two full pages of the book are devoted to a summary of all the princesses, neatly laid out into little columns with their names at the top, an accompanying picture and then some highlights.

“Snow White”, special skills: “cleaning”, or Sleeping Beauty, special skills: “sleeping”, Cinderella special skills: “spreading legs”.

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