The winter is not so bad when you're not Helen Keller

We’ve been surviving the winter quite well this year. It hasn’t been very cold and the kids haven’t been the little bitches they were last year. When I say “little bitches” I don’t mean a bunch of female Chihuahuas, I mean what you call a smart woman that has an opinion.

The twins keep asking about going ice-skating. I want to take them, but I can hardly ice-skate myself. Does an almost forty-year-old man ice-skating with a folding chair do it for you? Because that’s what you’ll be seeing when we go; if you’re not blind.

If you are blind, then it sucks to be you. But, it sucks more to be Helen Keller because she’s blind and deaf and dead.

Being stuck inside forces me to dwell on home improvement projects.

A project on the horizon is to build a small office on the first floor of the house. It’s really a pain in my tight butt not to have a least a small, separate room on the first floor for Anna and I to do work or to lock up the nanny when she talks back. “Oh yes you will scrub that toilet!”  ###SLAP###

Every single one of our home projects manages to get out of control so I am hoping to keep this one small. When I say “small” I mean literary the room will be like 8’ x 9’. So like, the size of a closet gays come out of.

You know what an awesome TV show would be? “The Closet”; a show where gay men* come out of the closet; literally.

The way I picture this working is like this: A bunch of men audition for the show and they do different tasks but we don’t know who’s gay and who is not. Some guys might be gay-for-pay but what we’re looking for here is straight up gay.

So, this group of men (who may or may not be gay) go through their whole life story crap; “I was homeless living in my car”, “my parents died when I was five”, “someone touched my naughties”….etc.

Then, during the finale, family members and friends gather in the studio audience for the big reveal

COUNT DOWN. Pleeez….10,9,8…..1!!!!

A giant closet door flies open and out streams all the gay men. Family and friends sit on the edge of their seats waiting to see if their brother, son, husband, or priest comes out of the closet or the kitchen.. Oh, there’s a kitchen setup next to the closet for the men in denial and they run out of that.

Once all the men are out, Paula Dean enters the kitchen and drops dead from a diabetes heart attack cancer.

* I’m not using lesbians because their lives aren't a train wreck like gay men’s lives.


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