Our baby is two!

On Sunday, Fiona, a.ka. Fionka a.k.a. “Fifi” celebrated her second birthday. She is now two years old and if she were a bear cub, we would send her out into the wild to join those girls flashing boobs for t-shirts.

When we had the twins four year ago, Anna and I were very concerned about sticking to the developmental timeline so that our children would get into prep school, then Harvard, then make a ton of money, then pay for us to travel the world and smoke cigars rolled on virgin thighs. They were our first kids and that’s what first time parents do.

Well, that’s not so much the case with the third kid.

‘Fifi’ still drinks from a bottle and if you don’t like that, you can go f-yourself. I’m not sure what happened. Clearly, we got lazy in introducing cups.

  I was born two years ago.

This is why when parents have a litter of children, the mom’s vagina inverts but more importantly, the kids at the button of the food chain become royally screwed up.

People don’t parent their kids anymore!! This is what’s wrong with society. Don’t you love it when people say that?

Everything was better in the “old days”.

No, it was NOT.

Life sucked before computers and streaming video. For starters, you wouldn’t have this gem of a blog to read. And, what about VHS tapes? “Be kind, rewind” F-that. I don’t have the time to rewind your g-damn tape. There are a million pornos I need to rent from some back-room I accidentally walked into.

In her defense, ‘Fifi’ has a far calmer and gentler personality then her crazed lunatic siblings. Let’s face it, the twins are like a negative and positive electron one day and a hydrogen and oxygen atom the next. Thank goodness they’re not a bunch of Boson particles or the universe would collapse onto itself.

Happy Birthday to our little sweet pea.

Dancing is fun.

These two are weirdos.

It's great that the nanny can't speak Enlgish when I'm making fun of her

The Nanny helped the kids make these Valentine's Day cards for Anna and me.

Since she can't speak English, getting 75% of the words correct made me realize that, in the future, I'll have to help the kids with their homework -instead of The Nanny. 

What else can go wrong like Madonna's plastic surgery? Her face is way too puffy. She needs to stop with the fillers, let things settle a little and reassess the situation before she becomes a two paper-bagger..

Anyhoooo, sooner or later Anna is going to have to speak with The Nanny about why we're paying good money to not have to raise our children. Also, use Google translator.

Why did she add an extra "Y" to "Dad"?

I can't believe she misspelled "ham".

What we were doing when Whitney Houston died....(at least she's with her career now)

Anna was away over the weekend with little Fifers visiting a friend in San Francisco who recently pushed a baby out her vagina. I bet they saw a ton of Chinese people.

"I love San Francisco and all its homeless runaways"

Having one less kid to take care means I have only two kids to take care of because 3-1 =2.

Stella and Xavier didn’t really understand where their mom was or there sister. Kids this young don’t quite grasp the concept of space and time. Everything that happens in the past is yesterday and every that will happen in the future is tomorrow. Things are either walking distance, car distance or plane distance.

They could have been home-schooled by Evangelical Christians. “Ok class, the earth is 100 years old, flat and God drowned everyone because he loves you. Science lesson over. Moving on to English…everything has been censored. Moving on to judging people.”

We went to a diner for lunch Saturday. Look at that meal!

Do you see the lady in the background at the register? Well, two years ago, Anna and I took the day of work, left the kids with the nanny, and went to the beach. We stopped at this very diner on our way and I have not been back since.

Back then, she was studying at the restaurant for the MCATS to get into medical school. I told her I remembered this and asked how it was going. She looked embarrassed and said she was taking the long road to going to medical school

In about two seconds, I ruined her day. I felt bad and tipped an extra dollar. Um, sorry I made you feel like your life is going nowhere. Here is a dollar.

Too make up for the junk food festival at lunch I made Japanese tofu soup for dinner. There is tofu in it.

Stella ate so much soup a tsunami couldn't even carry her away.

Excuse the poor picture quality. 

My iPhone is old and the camera is dieing.

I organized the kid’s plate cabinet by putting an extra “organizer” shelf in the middle. I was sick and tired of emptying the dishwasher and having to lift up bowls to put plates under them. My tolerance level for redundant work is very low.

A table is not just for having sex on

It finally happened. I’m officially a woman as I sit here excited to write about our new table.

Like many writers, it is difficult not ending a sentence with a preposition, and finding new things to write about. I don’t consider myself a writer per se; more a person that types stuff on a computer and posts it online.

Ok, back to the taaabbbllllleee.

After a long sob fest by Anna about needing a new table, we finally retired our kid table for a full sized person table. The kids were constantly kicking the crap out of each other whenever one kid’s crayons got on the other kid’s Play-Do. Yes, this is our life.

It took a little bit to find something we liked. First, it had to fit six people. We’re a family of five and they don’t really sell tables for five that would be stupid.

Secondly. It couldn’t cost the same as a weekend with a call girl.

I have a friend who we’ll call Albert because that’s his name who went to a college we’ll call Stanford who knew a classmate that worked weekends as a high-price call girl Apparently she would get flown around the world for weekends with rich men. Now there’s someone that could afford a lot of tables. I bet some of these guys did her on a table.

The next step is getting rid of the beige walls, blah..hate beige.

We found this table at a furniture store that has cheap prices because they buy in bulk. It’s a solid wood and has a really nice rustic look to it but still modern. We hated the chairs that came with it and got these white ones from CB2.

LOVE. IT.

Look at that nice hard wood.

I’m all about Scandinavian and Italian furniture. I could tell you anywhere in the entire fucking city where to get modern Scandinavian or Italian furniture. I know nothing about American Football or cars or beer or being a fat slob, but furniture; I know a lot about it. It’s my special gift from God I mean biology.

Now, since having kids four years ago, we can all sit together to eat dinner. The nanny stands in the corner. The sixth chair is for family only!

Acupucture visit needed more Chinese people

I got my first of five acupuncture procedures today. I couldn’t wait to be poked with some wood.

The acupuncture clinic is located downtown in a nice building next to a steak house. Is every new restaurant these days a steak house?

I went up to the 21st floor because that’s where the clinic was and was greeted by a Yamaka wearing Jewish receptionist wearing his Detroit sweatshirt over is Tzitzis. I don’t think he was Chinese. I also don’t think he realizes that Detroit is a shit hole. No offense people but come on already.

The waiting room was very doctor office-ish with all kinds of people; young and old, ugly and uglier. I filled out a standard patient form after which I was greeted by the acupuncturist and brought to a patient room. The acupuncturist was also not Chinese.

Where is this Oriental medicine school finding all these white people is beyond me but I better see some Chinese people soon.

 Same as a doctor's bench except the table has a bump in it 

like a massage table it was a massage table.

The room again was very doctor office like. She did a patient history, took my blood pressure and then explained what she would be doing. “I’m going to stick small needles in you. You will have no idea what I am doing. It is an ancient Chinese secret”.

She asked that I take my shirt off and lie stomach down on the table. I don’t have any pictures of this part but I looked good. Trust me.

Needles were inserted in the back of my neck, the outer right arm, my ankles, both wrists and my calves. The only one that hurt a little was the one close to the elbow. In fact, it still aches. She told me it would before sticking me so at least she knew something.

She dimmed the lights, turned on a heat lamp and asked that I lay still for the next 15 minutes.

This is the heat lamp. It make heat.

I kinda dozed off during those fifteen minutes and was awoken when she came back.

She removed the needles and did this Chinese spoon massage thing called Gua Sha. Using the back of a Chinese soup spoon, she massaged the back of my neck and upper back. It felt sweet and sour and I’ll be back for more Chinese spoon massage.

When I was checking out this girl, sorry woman, in front of me was buying a pile of herbs. They gave her the bill and she was like, “I should sign over my financial aid money to you.” Um, or you could not buy everything you see psycho.

Then, out of seemingly nowhere the other room, a male Chinese acupuncturist walked into the waiting area while I was leaving a said, “Hi.” I could have peed my pants.

Finally.

Acupuncture might have helped Madonna's halftime show.

I made an appointment next week at the Pacific School of Oriental Medicine for acupuncture. They’re located near my office and have a reputation unlike that of a pregnant teenager. It’s a win–win.

Hope for the best Internet! Hope for the best. Hope for more people to stick weird things up their butts so we can all laugh at the pictures.

Years ago we lived next door to a Chinese woman who did not eat dogs but also said she doesn’t, “go to white people for acupuncture”. Hmm, ok, that is so racist offensive and generalizing. This blog is a safe place for all people and we will not stand for her hateful speech to be repeated here; ho-bag.

My hope is that acupuncture will relieve some of the nerve pain until our insurance comes back from god knows where. I’m sick and tired of being on pills that screw with my brain and erection.

Is driving messed-up fun? Is the sky blue? No, the sky is actually not blue, read a science book Texas, but the answer to question one is “yes”.

Anna had acupuncture years ago to help get pregnant and now we have three kids under the age of four. Not exactly our brightest moment but things worked out splendidly.

Pain Clinics, Spinal Pain, Root Nerve, Madonna's new single free download (I added that to increase web traffic)

I am still almost alive but that could change if I am hit by a bus.

Anna is switching jobs so we lost are insurance today; unless we want to pay thousands of dollars for Cobra. To all those non-Americans, Cobra bridges the gap between health insurance policies.

Here in the USA of America, insurance links to your job. If you lose your job or switch jobs and have a probationary period, you lose your insurance coverage and that makes a lot of sense; NOT infinite! it is so stupid dumb. One could pay out of pocket but that’s a lot of money and we want new furniture.

I know there are many people out there on this planet earth world that go without any insurance at all forever but as an upper, upper, upper, upper, upper middle class family, we like our insurance. We insure everything. We have life insurance, disability insurance, homeowners insurance, car insurance and liability insurance. Don't even try to fuck with us, we're insured bitches! I am so high on pain drugs right now.

Well, I was racing around the clock yesterday trying to get as many doctors to see me as possible so that if things went to hell in a hand basket my basket would have a bunch of drugs in it.

My sister-in-law did me a big favor getting the ball rolling. She’s an anesthesiologist resident working out of state doing a rotation at a pain clinic. She asked her pain clinic to look at the MRI for me. They did and sent over a referral to the pain clinic here in Chicago to get me in immediately. It did not work out in the end but it gave me a course or action; get into that damn pain clinic at any cost no matter what if it’s not something criminal but I’m not ruling that out.

I went and saw a surgeon a little later in the day who recommended waiting two more months as most people get better on there own. He did give me a referral to get steroid injections at the same pain clinic my sister-in-law tried to get me into.

But, when I got there, they wouldn’t take anymore people. I begged, “My insurance ends in four hours I could die. Life is too precious. If I was an orphan baby you would help me. You racists!”

Not even my charming tilt the head and wink method worked as it always does mostly never unless they’re drunk.